I write about problems and argue with myself in writing to better understand why I do the things I do or why I feel the way I feel, so on and so forth.
And I realized and figured out one thing I have a huge issue with: being appreciated and recognized for the good I do.
I just want to be appreciated and recognized for the good I do for others. Even as small as it is, I just want to know my small act of kindness or attempt to make someone happy worked and they greatly appreciate it and let the world (not even maybe just a small group or expression) of my act or achievements.
It is so rare for me to do anything worth time and effort for people and when I do I never fully get the credit I feel I deserve. and its not me just being cocky or wanting attention.
I never was appreciated for shit when I was younger for anything. Only the things people wanted or used me for. and it sucks because now I’m the way I am and it gets upsetting not being appreciated fully for shit.
Sometimes my need or crave for appreciation is so high when I’m at work and I take call or do supervisor calls and my customers tell me how happy I made them or how greatly they appreciate my effort to help I get so happy I want to jump up and down and smile like an idiot when normally it’s just part of the job and you’ll always hear shit like that so it’s nothing special. but it is to me, because even though they’re complete strangers they actually appreciate shit than people I know would.
The only way that I won’t have to be upset over things like that is to just stop doing all these things for people. But it’s pretty difficult because I love doing things for people but it’s kind of a… why bother if I won’t even feel appreciated or given full credit for it or won’t get anything EVER back in return (and it’s not like I expect something back in return every single time I do something but every once in a while it’s nice rather than never at all or once and there that’s enough for the next billion years) ?
It’s a constant thought that’s always invading my head and today I decided to argue with myself about it and I’m stuck on the “just don’t do anything for anyone and there problem solved yet I love doing these things but it’ll be for nothing” part. I can go on and on but it’s turning into a huge rant and sorry for any typos or if some parts make absolutely no sense. It all just came out of no where.